I hate the summer holidays.
No, that’s not true. I struggle in the summer holidays.
That’s a more accurate statement.
I have a strange mix of feelings coming up the to the summer holiday because I often feel completely exhausted, physically and mentally by the time I get to the holidays and I really need a break, but with the summer holiday I also have feelings of anxiety, because I know that every year I struggle mentally during the time that I am away from work.
Teaching is a physically and mentally demanding job but it’s a job that I love, and it constantly keeps me challenged. No two days are the same. Time away from work is important in order to recharge and re energise. If you don’t rest from teaching regularly then you will likely burn out; so why do I struggle during the summer holidays?
Well one of the reasons is that I often struggle to wind down at the end of the summer term. My brain is often buzzing with things I want to do and reflections on my teaching practise and areas I want to develop in the next academic year. It’s not a bad thing to reflect on your professional practise and look at how and where it could be improved but it is healthy to give your brain a break from work related thoughts every now and then-I just struggle to switch this off. It normally takes me a few weeks before I can completely relax and get over the feelings of guilt when I am not doing something work related. I have learnt to live with this feeling and accept that it is just part of the process I go through and I have found that there are things that work for me to make it less arduous.
I like to be busy, physically or mentally, and I find that on the days that I am doing something productive, I am happier. As much as I enjoy vegging out in front of Netflix for the day or spending the whole day immersed in a good book, I find it isn’t always great for my mental health to do something so passive for too long. Going out for the day, going for a run, learning a new song on my guitar, doing something that will engage my mind (and preferably my body) in activity is good for me. This might not work for everybody-some people may need to sit and be still and passive as part of their winding down from school routine, but that doesn’t work for me.
This leads me on to the second thing that I struggle with, it is the harder one to talk about because it relates more closely to my mental health. Often in the summer holidays I get lonely. Because here’s the thing, I am generally a very positive person and I always try and be kind and considerate towards other people but I don’t actually have many friends that I have real world contact with anymore. The reasons for this are complex and partly relate to the fact that at my lowest points I have pushed people away and isolated myself from others. But this leads me on to my main point for writing this piece. At times my mental health has suffered because as a male in our society have been conditioned not to talk about my feelings, to ‘tough it out’ and appear strong. It is conditioning I am aware of and am trying to take steps to fight against but it has been damaging over time.
Over the years I have suffered with depression. I have never spoken about it with anyone and I have always tried to hide it but I recognise the signs; I have seen other people depressed and I have seen myself in them. At my darkest moments I have dreamt about disappearing from the world, thinking that no one would notice if I was gone, that I didn’t matter. Now, as I write this, feeling more balanced and happy than I have in a long time I realise how tragic it sounds. Too many people commit suicide, too many men commit suicide because they don’t talk to people, they don’t tell them what they are feeling and what they are going through.
Often men don’t know how to articulate what they are feeling; our society doesn’t encourage us to talk about feelings so we don’t develop the vocabulary or understanding needed to be able to do so. This is so damaging and leads to so many men seeing no way out from the pain and suffering but to end their own lives. How sad is it to get to a point where you think the world would be better without you in it? To think that you are unloved and matter so little that it would be better if you weren’t there. I stared into the abyss of those dark thoughts once but never got close enough to do anything about it thankfully.
That is due to my family. My wife and my children. At my darkest moments I held on because I knew I was loved and that I mattered to them. I didn’t really care about myself at the time but I could see that if was to be suddenly gone then it would cause damage to them and that was something I couldn’t bear.
What is my reason in sharing this most vulnerable part of my past and sharing some of my darkest moments? I think it is to tell you that I am still here, and I got through it. If just one person reads this and recognises the struggle and takes hope from my words then it will have been worth sharing this with you. Because I am still here, I feel happy and loved. I know I matter to the people around me.
Talking about how you are feeling is never a bad thing. Sharing what is going on in your head is never a bad thing. It is very easy when we are feeling low to shut people out; it takes energy and effort to deal with the world; this can be hard to come by when you are feeling depressed, but the most important thing is to keep talking to people. Gradually I have started reaching out to people who I shut out from my life. Those that are true friends have been forgiving and understanding and although I don’t actually live very close to my friends and so don’t get to see them in the real world very often just being able to touch base through a text every now and then makes all the difference to me.
I have also found that since the lockdown being at home has gotten easier for me. I think this is partly down to the feeling of a ‘shared experience’ with everyone else so I don’t have thoughts of other people being out and about doing lots of exciting things whilst I am stuck at home but it has also been down to making connections and talking to people.
Social media may well bring out the worst in people at times but it also brings the best out in people. During the lockdown I have made an effort to ‘find my voice’ on Twitter and through this I have made connections with many wonderful, kind people. I have found my tribe; my group of like-minded people and they have become a huge positive in my life. They have kept me positive when I have felt down; they have given me the strength and confidence to be vulnerable and share my story, although it still astounds me that other people have found value in what I have to say.
Only last week at the start of the holiday I woke up one morning feeling low, I wasn’t sure why but I felt the familiar cool embrace of depression gently nudging me on the shoulder enticing me. A short message on Twitter that day letting people know that I felt low led to countless positive and concerned messages from people and people checking in with me personally through direct messages to see if I was alright. I am still really touched by that and I hope those people know how much of a difference it made to me. I am alright and it was just one of those ‘blip’ days I have every now and then but it was so much easier to snap out of the low mood knowing that people cared enough to show concern.
This brings me to my final point. You never really know what someone is going through in life, especially on social media where people present an image of themselves that isn’t always the whole picture. A kind word can make a huge difference. Reminding someone that you care and that they matter to you can help enormously. People don’t always tell you honestly how they are feeling or what is going on in their heads, it’s not something our society always encourages after all; so try and be kind, show people you care because you never know, that kind word can be the light that guides someone through the darkness.
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