As a maths nerd I couldn’t mention beauty without mentioning the golden ratio. I won’t go into details as I don’t want to bore anyone, suffice to say that it is the ratio 1 to 1.618 and has been used in architecture and art for hundreds of years to produce attractive proportions that many find beautiful. It really is amazing as there are examples of the golden ratio in nature as well. Many of the people who have been considered the most beautiful had facial features that were in proportion to the golden ratio.
I have an uneasy relationship with beauty when it comes to people. As human beings we seem to be hard wired to look for beauty-we don’t all find the same things beautiful (although people seem to consistently agree on the beauty of people whose proportions match the golden ratio, even if they know nothing about it) and I don’t have an issue with that. The issue I have is how we as a species treat people who we don’t deem to be beautiful. We have an unconscious bias towards beautiful people and life can be a lot easier if you are beautiful. I’m not being bitter, it’s a fact of life. That’s not the problem I have; my problem is that people who are not seen as beautiful have such a hard time.
Sometimes it is deliberate and nasty, someone’s lack of good looks acts like a calling card as open season for bullies, sometimes it is unconscious and people don’t even realise they are treating someone differently, but they are.
I listened to Luke Chadwick, ex footballer, talk about his struggles with mental health this morning. The root of his problems? The ridicule he received about his looks. I remember him, he was a decent player (although he played for the wrong team in my opinion); I don’t remember him being talked about for his footballing skills though; I remember all of the jokes, it was a national obsession for a while. He was even the but of jokes from professional comedians on prime time T.V. And what did he do to deserve this national ridicule? Nothing other than being in the public eye and not being beautiful. This sort of collective cruelty that is sanctioned and promoted by our culture and media is distasteful and shows how far humanity has to go.
I guess this one hit a nerve with me as I have struggled for my whole life with confidence and self image. I have always been shy and introverted and as a child I was very self conscious about how I looked. I used to get teased a lot about my big sticky out ears, not just from other children, but adults as well. Anyone who has features that make them stand out will no that people, including complete strangers at times, seem to think it is perfectly acceptable to comment and make fun. They will justify it as being ‘harmless fun’ and ‘just teasing’ and if you show your upset you will be accused of being ‘too sensitive’ but they don’t see the cumulative effect of all these little cuts into your self image.
As I grew up I also started to get compared to a certain character who was popular on the T.V. I can’t bring myself to tell you who it is, the fear of ridicule still runs deep within me; but I will say that it was a character who was popular because they looked funny and people used to laugh at them, not with them. Right into my adult life, I have had people say, quite innocently to me, ‘You look like _______’. And every time I heard it, it was like a knife to my heart. I cannot help the way I look and to be associated with a figure of ridicule, who people think is stupid and funny is more hurtful than I can express. It is a real assault to my self image, I who think of myself as thoughtful, sensible and kind.
I have always tried to laugh it off, and not appear bothered by such a little insult, it’s just ‘harmless teasing’ after all. It is far more hurtful when it comes from adults, because they know the associations and they know its actually being mean to say it. When children innocently say to me ‘you look like ______’ I just smile and say, I know I do, but that’s not my name, I’m Mr Rough’ and then we move on with our day.
When I was a head teacher, this was one of the things I struggled with a lot. It’s silly, because it has nothing to do with my capacity to do my job, but as my mental health suffered (for lots of reasons related to the stress of the job) I began to get more paranoid about how the parents perceived me. I felt, irrationally, that I was being judged and thought of as the character I looked like, rather than being judged for my actions and the person I was. I would see parents whisper to their friends (and sometimes not even bother to whisper) ‘he looks like _______’ as if it was perfectly ok to comment on someones appearance and make fun of them just because they look different.
I grew a beard a few years ago, mainly to hide my appearance. I had wanted to grow one for years, it’s a bit of a right of passage being a man, but I had always resisted because my wife doesn’t really like beards. But one day I just decided to do it. The benefits of the beard are that I rarely get compared to the character that has caused me so much distress over the years, and luckily my wife came to accept it and still loves me. I also don’t have to shave very often which is a bonus. But it shouldn’t be this way; I shouldn’t need this crutch to feel safe from being judged for my appearance.
I feel very strongly about judging people by their appearances; it is something that is unfortunately hard wired into us but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn to fight our instincts. I hate uniform codes for teachers for this very reason. I don’t think teachers should be forced to dress smartly, because all that is doing is reinforcing the impression that you should judge by appearances. Positive role models don’t have to wear smart clothes; not everyone who dresses smartly is a positive role model. People should be judged by their actions and words not by how they look; we, as teachers, should make a conscious effort to teach this.
I also take teasing very seriously and don’t make light of it when it occurs with children. I do advise victims to try and laugh it off and not show they are bothered, because often people who tease are looking for a reaction and if you don’t react they give up; but I do also make sure the person who does the teasing knows that it is unacceptable. It’s a fine line to get right, because friends tease each other all the time and that’s ok-if it is taken as a joke by your friend and you can laugh at yourself there is nothing wrong with it. Joking about someone’s appearance and making them feel self conscious is not ok though, it is hurtful and can be damaging.
So it seems that this post isn’t about beauty at all, but instead a cathartic reveal of my deep rooted struggles with self image, but I will attempt to bring it back to beauty as I come to a close:
When it comes to people we should look for beauty in their souls, in how they act and what they say. we should fight our hardwired biological response to treat physical beauty with kindness and physical difference with cruelty.
There is so much beauty in the world around us and we should take time to notice it-it is good for our souls. There is beauty in music, in art, in nature, their is beauty in the struggle of life, in the kindness that people show each other when kindness is most in need. To really see true beauty we need to look deep.